Ghastly thin

I was looking at the camera roll on my phone and I came across a LOT of pictures I have taken of myself over the course of the last year. I like to take pics often so I can track my progress. The scale is not a way to track my progress anymore since it rarely moves. My actual weight doesn't matter. It's all in how I look. I found this picture from earlier in the year. Look at how awful I look! And to think at this point in my life, I was actually working out to LOSE FAT! What the hell was I thinking?? I know that you can't see the fat I wanted to lose since it is covered by pants in this pic, and I knew at that time that my upper body was really thin, but I didn't see just HOW thin until now. Good lord! All that intensity, 6 days a week, look what it did to me. My hands are small, but you can see in this picture how my small hands look huge on my non existent waist. That really put it into perspective for me.

Now I want you to focus on my booty here. I think it's actually grown a bit. And while it seems most women want their butts smaller, I am trying to make mine BIGGER! There is nothing more unattractive than a flat butt! I do a crazy amount of squats and lunges of all variation to try and grow my glutes. I really do think I see an improvement. But I still have a loooooong way to go to get it where I want it. (the picture on the right was taken yesterday).

I'm eating as many carbs as want to these days. Even at night, to try to grow. It was really a hard thing for me to get over since all of my "fitness life" I've tried to stay away from eating too much. But all the years of training and dieting at the same time and not seeing the muscle growth that I want, has taught me that I HAVE to change my mindset and eat to gain. I'm still worried about gaining fat at the same time, but it's probably inevitable. I can always add in some cardio down the road if I feel it's gotten out of hand. During the winter months, it won't matter so much anyway.

I'm going to try lifting explosively, as per my last post. I want to engage those fast twitch fibers. I want to grow my hammies. I'll start doing sprints again. Maybe some short uphill runs? I'm not a distance runner, so there is no need to train like one.

I think that I've really started to see myself in a better light. I've been so damn hung up on my flaws that I haven't spent enough time focusing on all the good things. I'm fit, I'm healthy, I have energy, I have muscle......those are all good things! I'm on the small side but I guess it's better than the alternative. I have room to grow - I'm lucky! No, I'm not lucky, I work hard for it!

This picture cracks me up. I had to take it while Hanna and I were working out yesterday. This vein just popped out of my arm and stuff like this totally freaks her out. Haha...