depressing

Well, my dear readers, I have been in a dark place for quite a while now. The last two weeks have been hell. Really. I tried to keep up my workout routine and religious healthy eating, but I've just sort of given up. It's just too hard to be so focused on something, that in the giant scheme of things, really doesn't matter all that much. I've been tired and depressed and it's hard to sleep. Being constantly tired and sad doesn't do much for motivation. I literally feel like I'm walking around with an extra 50lbs on my shoulders. I feel heavy, weighed down. Sometimes, my heart aches. A real honest to God ache. It's painful. Sometimes, it feels like someone has poured cement into my lungs because my chest is so tight and I can't breathe. One night, I had a dream that my husband told me he was leaving me and my heart literally turned to stone and broke. It was the worst dream I've ever had.

I know that my health and fitness obsession has put a strain on my marriage. It's not the only strain, but it's a major contributor. My husband feels that since I wasn't such a freak about what I ate and how much I worked out when he first met me, he had no way to predict what would lie ahead and how unhappy he would be about it.

I know that to work on a body goal, you have to sacrifice some of life's little pleasures. But I didn't realize it was going to affect my family the way it has. How could the way I eat be so horrible? I still cook them delicious nutritious food. I might skip out on the potatoes and rolls most of the time, but I still make them for the rest of my family. I just didn't see that it was THAT big of a problem. But I got too skinny (apparently) and I looked old (apparently) and having to make sure I had certain food at all times or couldn't go certain places because they didn't have the "right" kinds of foods was taking a toll on my husband. The sad thing is, I never felt like I changed what I ultimately set out to change. I lost fat, got more muscular, got way too thin, but never fixed the issue that I was trying to tackle all those years. So it's like it was all for nothing. Worse than nothing.

So I've just sort of given up everything. It's sad, because I really want to be healthy in my old age. I know that once my life starts to climb back uphill, I will take it up again, just maybe not to the "extreme" everyone thought I was taking it. It's funny how much other's opinions of you really change your behaviors. I always thought it was just "hating", you know? Haters gonna hate. Gotta keep doing what you love, though. Well, this time, I have to step back if I want to keep my family. I feel like I'm so close to losing my husband that I will do anything it takes to get back our happiness. I never meant for this to be a painful experience for him. I honestly thought he'd be proud of me. I thought, he should be happy I haven't just let myself go, which seems so common for women after they've had kids.

I used to think, wow, I'm close to 40 and I look damn good! I'm not carrying around a ton of excess fat, I'm in shape, I eat healthy....that's a good thing! But, I guess it isn't a good thing when it affects your marriage. I'm sad. I'm so sad. Because I'm giving up a huge part of my life. And I'm scared that I'm going to end up unhealthy and overweight and miserable! What would my husband think of me then??? It's just so difficult right now.

I haven't been this low in many years. 10 years ago, I had a premature baby, lost a job, my dad died, went through a bankruptcy & divorce, all in a matter of 6 months. It was a horrible time. This feels worse. I've cried so much. The most difficult thing about it is having to drag myself out of bed at 5:00 every morning and pretend everything is ok. All I can think about is my situation. I looked tired, haggard, old. I bring my gym bag to work every day with the intention of working out after my shift, but I just don't feel like it. I did ok last week, up until Friday. I haven't done a thing since Thursday. Today was the same. Ugh....

I'm hoping and praying for a light to shine and I can see an end to this mess soon. I need to get back to being me. The one walking around right now is just a ghost.