Well, here we go. The start of another week. Last week was just freakin' crazy, yo! I'm talking, flat out, cra-shizzle. I don't know what that means, but I suspect it conveys my message very clearly. I was busy with work-work, home-work (there is a distinction), work outs, teaching XaBeat classes, errands and picking Hanna up from Tech every day. I wouldn't even mention that last one except for that it's at the WORST time possible for our family - 6pm. Why do activities always have to mess with dinner?? It's the one small portion of our day when we can sit down together as a family and talk without distractions. It irritates me like nothing else when school activities mess with my family time. Anyway, by Friday I was SO ready for the weekend. I had a quiet calm weekend and it was great. Makes it even harder to face Monday though.
I mention being torn a lot on this blog, and have done so since I was barely 110lbs trying to get "fitter". I would go back and forth between my love of eating whatever the hell I wanted and having a tight lean body. Some days one was more important than the other, and vice versa. It's the same now, only I'm 10lbs heavier. Maybe even 15lb - who knows. I try not to step on the scale anymore. All I know is, my "fat pants" that I bought when my regular pants were starting to get snug, seem tight now. OMG! What the hell is happening to me??!! Am I in the final debilitating stages of womanhood? HAHA....if you watch Futurama, you might recognize that line. Maybe it's all the sodium. Maybe it's all in my head.
I'm not trying to diet. I deprive myself of nothing. If I want cookies, I'll eat cookies. Whereas before, I would limit myself and deprive myself. Was I happy with myself? Yes and no. Mostly I wasn't because I always felt like I still needed to improve this or that about my body and I felt like I missed out on living like everyone else. But I did enjoy being small, in a way. There was very much a sense of accomplishment in that. I worked hard for it! And it felt so good to feel pants I couldn't even get up over my hips at one time, slide on with ease and feel loose! That part was very satisfying. It was my high.
These days, I'm trying hard not to freak out about my bigger body. It's a constant battle. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't need to fit into size 2 jeans anymore to feel self worth. I'm more than a jean size. Everyone on the planet thought I was too thin before and now I look better. I look healthy. I am normal. Still thin, just not unhealthy thin. I've done what I wanted to do (which was gain weight) and I knew way back when I started it was going to be a mental struggle when it finally happened. It didn't happen over night either. I tried for a long time to gain weight to no avail. My metabolism was so high. I literally pigged out for months before the scale moved. And not really even until I cut the exercise WAY down did I notice a change. The one thing I worry about now is how much damage I did to my metabolism. I mean, a little weight gain on my body is fine, but I don't want it to keep going.
That's why I'm trying to do a lot of metabolic density training. I'm not necessarily eating in a way that would fine tune my metabolism but one day, when I'm ready, that will come. I'm having far too much fun enjoying life. I have a glass of wine almost every night. I go out for pasta and wine with my girlfriend every week. Sometimes we go out for wine and appetizers too. Like I said, I eat dessert when I want it. I glop gravy on my mashed potatoes. And now I've got more padding on my hips and a soft round belly. But probably what shocked me the most is how comfortable I've gotten in my own skin.
I'm taking a risk with a tmi situation coming up, so be forewarned. But when my husband and I are together, I don't try and suck in my stomach like I used to back when I didn't even need to suck it in. I don't push his hand away when he caresses my thighs or backside. I feel womanly and beautiful. There are still times when I get frustrated and think "what have I done to myself?!" because I want to wear something in my closet that is now too tight. And I think of all the years of hard work - GONE! Almost like it was all for nothing. That part is sad. But I try to think of how much better things have gotten and how I've really grown to love and accept myself. It's wasn't easy.
I still talk about fitness and will probably try to shave off a few pounds now and then. It's just how I am. But I want to keep my attitude about it all pretty chill. There is no finish line and I am not in competition with anyone or anything. I want to keep loving life the way I have been. Great food, great friends, great times. And my home life has been wonderful on top of it all. Things are about as good as it gets, and I'm happy. Goal accomplished!
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