mirror mirror

I weighed and measured today. Up 3 pounds from last week. This is not fat or muscle gain, just bloat. Fluctuation in weight 3-5lbs is normal for me. But I had an impeccable diet last week and worked out so freakin' hard. So the fact that my measurements were still the same bothers me a little. I should be seeing some sort of measurable improvement, shouldn't I? I know sometimes you can experience lulls. And I know that it can take your body time to adjust. But come on....seriously. Seriously?

(uh oh....here we go....)

I honestly don't know what more I can do. I torture myself with grueling workouts, day in and day out. I eat clean and healthy almost ALL the time. I deprive myself of things I would love to eat but don't simply because of either high calorie content, or because it's unhealthy and I don't want to waste all the effort sweat and tears I put into my workouts. I keep track of what I eat. I take supplements. I sneak in extra activity whenever I can. I am borderline psychotic when it comes to this stuff. Obsessed, if you will. YET.....

yet...

I need to hire a trainer, or a coach or something. I need to know what they do in situations like this. But won't. Because I'm certain that they wouldn't give me any new information that I haven't already read or tried. So I'll just keep going, doing what I'm doing. I know that if I continue to do the right things, eventually I will see something.

My mom wanted to take me out to lunch yesterday. I shot her down. I feel bad for always saying "not today" because I don't want to be tempted with food I wouldn't have eaten if I just stayed home. But I gave her a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to. I told her that once November rolls around, I will eat more and I could not believe the response I got.

She was SO happy to hear me say that. I don't know what it is with my mom and husband, but they insist that I am too skinny and that I need to gain weight. Last night, Andreas told me he wished I would gain 15 pounds of fat. I didn't say anything. But later I asked him, "Do you really think I need to gain 15 pounds of fat?" ....he said, "ok, how about 5lbs of fat" and I said, "Do you know what 5 pounds of fat looks like? That's 20 sticks of butter!" Gross! I need that stuck to my ass like I need a hole in the head!

So I said I wouldn't mind gaining 5 pounds of muscle. Even 10 pounds of muscle. It's dense, more compact. That way I wouldn't jiggle or look bigger. And he still insisted I gain fat. What? Has he gone mad? I'm not unhealthy. I'm not emaciated. Fitness models have lower body fat than I do and they look great. So what gives?

I love the fact that he thinks I'm thin. I would much rather have a husband that wants to feed me cookies instead of hide them from me. And I know he thinks I'm sexy. I just don't understand all of the "you're too thin" talk, because I just don't think that I am. And frankly, it's starting to irritate me a little. Is there anyone in this universe on my side?? Is my mirror lying to me??