I am just in total shock at the state of my body anymore. It's like I've been walking around in someone else's body for the past.........8 months. I don't recognize myself.

I quit my hardcore strength workouts - which is one contributor. Seriously, people, lifting weights fires your metabolism like no other. It's no mystery that when I gave it up, I gained weight. I also have been under tremendous stress. It's hard to give a crap about your body when something bigger than yourself is in crisis.

I'm still under a LOT of stress right now and if I want to change my body, I'll have to work harder than ever despite it. The funny thing is, I would LOVE to have the body I had a year ago. You know, the one I criticized endlessly? Ha! Ok, lesson learned!

Well, everyone who always ragged on me and brought me down constantly for being too thin ought to be happy. I guess they got what they wanted. And here I thought I'd be happier too. But I'm not. All that time I had to endure rude comments about how I looked skeletal or how I looked old because my face was so gaunt. And I thought, I really did, I thought that if I gained weight and got those comments to stop I would feel better about myself. Well, I don't. I feel worse. Much worse. And it doesn't help when you don't feel loved or wanted by the only person who really matters.

I always had insecurities when it came to my body. But just as I was starting to feel good about myself, I let all the negativity from outside sources in.

Unsupportive assholes: 1
Charlotte: 0

But there is really no use in pointing a finger. After all, the ultimate choice was mine.

Now that I'm going through such a difficult time in my life, it's hard to want to make "smart" choices. I just want to eat stuff that makes me feel good. I'd much rather drink a glass or two of wine and eat chocolate, than be bothered by protein shakes.

I can get those feel good endorphins from exercise too. I love my Dance Fit class. The only problem is, I'm not supplementing with enough weight training so I'm not getting any extended calorie burn. And that's a problem when you combine it with eating more than your share of food that is less than good for a fit body.

I know that there are a lot of people who take stress and sadness like I'm facing and turn it into something amazing. They focus all their energy into something positive and morph into incredibly fit and sculpted people. I find it hard. I just get so heavy feeling that it's really hard to walk from one room to the other some days. If anyone has ever struggled with depression, you might know that "heavy" feeling. It's not really something you can shake off.

But I know that exercise helps. Every time I leave a fitness class or finish any kind of activity that resembles exercise (lately, it's been walking), I always feel better. Not just a little bit either, like IMMENSELY better.

But it's still hard to motivate. I'd be perfectly content curling up on the couch and staying there for hours, not doing a thing. This is a person I don't know. But this is who I've become.

For now, I can't tell you what my fitness plans are. I really don't have any. It's so on the back burner right now. It feels wrong to care at all, actually. I'm really just surprised by the fact that I can do what I've been doing. It can be difficult to fit in 6 hours of exercise a week when you feel good, let alone when you are stressed out and sad all the time. The fact that I've been zapped of all energy and motivation yet still drag myself to workout is the one good thing I have. It's probably the only thing that is getting me through this.