Different

I am such a different person than I was a year ago.

I used to be a stay at home mom, doing stay at home mom things. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I did it for nearly 10 years. And I really enjoyed it. But it was time to move on to the next stage in my life. My kids are pretty self sufficient for the most part. They play really well together, they help each other out when I'm busy, and they do a LOT more chores now that I'm a working girl. I leave for work at 6:30 and I can leave a list of chores for them to do and I almost feel guilty coming home to a clean house every day. Almost ;)

Really, though, it's an absolute dream. Cleaning up after everyone constantly and never really feeling appreciated for all I did got to be draining. It's hard to motivate yourself day after day in that situation. Same old monotonous stuff. Every. Day. Then I got a job. And suddenly things seemed to get better. My kids had to take on more responsibility for themselves (which they should've done long ago) and some of the burden was off me! I was so busy doing every little thing for them that they never really had much of an opportunity to learn to do things for themselves. My husband didn't feel like he's was stuck being the only provider for the rest of our lives together. I didn't realize it, but he felt under appreciated too because he was earning all the income and trying to save for retirement while I was contributing nothing.

I've added more hours to my work day. So I'm working 6 hours a day at the gym. Plus the work I do for my business. AND I will be a fitness instructor next month and that will add some hours to the week. I feel.......I don't know the word. Grown up? Responsible? I mean, I know I was responsible before, but this feels different somehow. I feel like I'm pulling my own weight. I feel more like an equal to my partner. I feel like I have the right to buy those shoes I've been wanting. Because I've earned it. I always felt that I earned what I bought in the past, but felt bad that the payee had to be my husband. Now, I am my own boss. I set my own prices. Plus I have a job that directly deposits checks to my account twice a month. It feels damn good to earn my own money!!

But it's not just the fact that I'm truly busier and making money, I'm different because I'm not so obsessed with fitness and diet like I was a year ago. And I can say obsessed because I was. I knew it. I don't try to defend it anymore. I was dedicated to my body and my health. I still am, but I think in a healthier way. I'm not balls to the wall anymore. And I think I know why. I've got other things occupying my mind. I'm not at home all day, thinking about my next workout, or my next healthy meal or finding every fitness article and exercise routine written to help me achieve some frivolous goal, that in the end, would not have proved a thing in this world other than to say I was in better shape than 90% of my peers. Simply put, I don't have all the free time to think of my selfish aspirations.

The funny thing is, I've gained 10 pounds, and some days I love it! And some days I feel like such a cow. And then I'll stop myself and say, "Hey! You are finally at a healthy weight! You are still way below average! Teetering on the edge of underweight for your age. How can you be a cow!" It's just so hard to get used to the new me being.......normal! (for lack of a better word) Are grown women with 3 kids supposed to fit into size 2 jeans??!! That's just not normal! Although that's what I was - and still trying to get smaller!! That's messed up!

I don't freak out if I miss a workout. I don't freak out if I have pizza or French fries or ice cream. I don't try to starve myself or workout for 3 hours a day. I don't worry about LBM or BMI or MHR. I'm just chill. Sure I have days where I'm very self aware and can't seem to get over my new fluffier body. It's hard to look, sometimes, at my round belly where a nice hard six pack used to be. It's sad to see my back slowly lose definition with each passing month. But if it was on the top of my priority list, I would do something about it. And right now, I'm just too happy with where I'm at to be bothered! And I think before I wasn't truly happy with my situation, so I was trying to mask it with something I felt I could control. My body. If I could be a tight, lean, fit, person, I could at least say I had done something successful with my life. As a stay at home mom, I struggled with that. But if I was in control of my body, more so than the average squishy mom my age, I at least could pride myself in that. Because I felt there was nothing else. It wasn't enough to say I had raised 3 wonderful little people? It wasn't enough to be the backbone of my family? I don't know....

I'm not a glamorous business women who earns a 6 digit salary. But I am an entrepreneur and I have a job that makes me very happy. I can have pride in that. My body is so-so. And for once in my life - THAT'S JUST FINE!!

I'm sure that once I am teaching fitness classes, my newfound fluff will disappear. Not that it matters, it's just a perk ;)