Seriously?

I stepped on the scale this morning (a day early) because I wanted to see where I stood in my serious quest for jiggle loss. The scale read 107.6 pounds. That can't be right, so I stepped off and on again. 108.0 pounds. And I stepped on and off again. Yep 107.6 pounds. WHAT is going ON?? I have never seen the scale at 107lbs. Well, ok, maybe when I was a kid, I had to pass it at some point. But since being an adult....never. I am trying so hard to gain weight and the scale is dropping. I just don't understand it. The last movement I had on the scale, I went down to 109 pounds from 111. That was the first month. Now in the second month I've lost 2 more pounds. And I STILL HAVE JIGGLE! Another crazy thing is that my measurements are exactly the same. Where is this weight loss coming from??

Well, I don't know. But I'm trying really hard just to trust what I'm doing. I'm just in the process of body recomposition. I don't need to understand it. I just need to be along for the ride until it takes me to the end. My goal. I always thought that losing fat and gaining muscle was black and white. You want to lose fat, you eat less and exercise more. You want to gain muscle, you lift weights and eat more. But apparently, there is some stranger science to it all that I still haven't figured out. After literally years and years of trying to understand and master it.

My husband's solution to my dilemma? "You need to eat more junk."

I don't think so.

The weird thing is, even though I want to gain weight, I still feel some sense of accomplishment when I see the scale go down. I suppose that is after years of associating a drop in the numbers on the scale with success. And even though I want to gain muscle, I think the reason I feel somewhat happy when I see my weight go down is because I'm hoping that it's fat loss. And it makes me feel as though all my efforts haven't been for nothing. Still, I can't help but be a little confused and disheartened when my measurements don't go down with the numbers on the scale. Because if it were fat loss, that should be reflected on the tape measure. I am used to seeing fluctuations on the scale depending on cycle days and carb consumption. But I've never gone this low. Aren't our bodies the most mysterious of creations?

I have an idea that I've been toying with. I would like to stop taking birth control pills. I've taken them for years and I can't help but wonder if it hinders my progress at all. Every woman is different and what affects one woman might not affect another. But it's certainly possible for me to think that pumping my system with synthetic estrogen could be taking it's toll. I haven't done enough research on the subject, but it is something that has been on my mind for a while. If you have any thoughts or helpful information on this, I would appreciate it very much.