want some cheese with that whine?

I'm skinny [apparently] so it's an ongoing thing around here that my husband likes to crack jokes about it. For instance, when we drove home from Nebraska, at one of the rest areas there was a sign that said "no overweight parking" and he said, "Oh, we can't park here! Sorry, mom." or he'll make a comment about my "big butt" or something. Reverse psychology never worked on me ;)

So this morning, after the alarm went off, we were talking a bit before getting up and I asked him, "Are you still attracted to me now that I'm all skinny and disgusting and have abs?" (if you remember from a previous post, he made it clear that he wasn't into visible abs). And he said, "Of course I am! You are skinny, yes, but you aren't disgusting because of it or because you have abs. You could just use a filler here and there."

And so I said, "I agree. But I can't control where it comes off and gets put on." (fat that is)

I wore my bikini at the pool in Nebraska and although I'm still not where I want to be yet, I am much more confident in my own skin. I can walk around without a cover up in front of him, which is something I almost never do. Sure, I still have some extra padding on my lower half, but I'm so tired of letting it interfere with my life. So I said "screw it!" and just let it all hang out.

I know that I'm making improvements, I can feel it in the way my clothes fit, I just don't understand how that is possible when the tape measure never seems to move. Maybe I'm not accurately measuring in the same spot from week to week. I don't know....

Some days I look in the mirror and think that I am POSITIVE it is getting better. Then others, it seems as though nothing is happening despite how incredibly hard I feel that I am working on it. My progress pictures from week to week look exactly the same.

I get so tired of all the endless e-letters I get (which I signed up for) that tell me how I should be working out and eating to lose fat FAST. Because I do it. All of it. All the time. And it just doesn't seem to work for me. I must be a fluke. A scientific exception. I honestly don't know what more I can do. Be patient seems to be my only option, but even that is wearing thin. It's been 7 weeks since starting my timeline towards goal and I feel almost unchanged.

If I knew what I had to do, I mean, REALLY knew what was going to work, I'd do it. No matter how difficult. The problem is, I seem to do what all the "gurus" suggest yet I feel that I go nowhere.

If they told me, "Do more cardio!!" I'd freakin' do it! As much as I hate it, I'd do it. In fact, I've tried that. Cardio after weight training. I've got to burn off the fat after I mobilize it. Uh huh....

If they told me I had to drink nothing but spinach juice for a month, I'd do that too.

If they told me I had to lift weights twice a day, I'd do it.

I'd literally do whatever it took....if I was SURE it would work.

The problem is, I don't know what will work for me at this point. So I'm doing this program and basically blindly moving forward. Because I refuse to give up. I refuse to let it defeat me. And I am being patient (as told to be) with the hope that my golden ticket will arrive as promised.

I guess I'm just feeling extra whiny today. Sorry. I never seem to have any good advice because I'm so focused on what doesn't seem to be working for me at the moment. I do know one thing though, and that is, after summer, I am going to weight train like a mf! I am going to eat like a mad cow and I'm going to pack on weight. Hopefully mostly muscle. I am just so sick of being skinny. I'm sick of dieting and working my ass off in the gym to stay the same. I don't freakin' care if I can fit into size 2 jeans. Who cares what size jeans you wear anyway!! If you don't LOOK like you train hard, what does it matter???