Expectations

 

Has this ever happened to you?

This happens to me ALL. THE. TIME. I don't think that expecting great things is necessarily a bad thing. I think it's good to dream big. If your goals don't scare you a little, you aren't reaching far enough.

But sometimes aiming really high and never reaching those goals over and over again, can put a real damper on your spirits.

If I had a goal to run a 5k, that would be a small accomplishment for me. It wouldn't satisfy me. But for someone who was sedentary for many years, it would be huge. Different people see the same goal differently. The trick is to reach far, but within the realm of possibility. I think that being an actual "bodybuilder" with the huge muscles, would be out of the realm of possibility. A) because I'm not going to take steroids B) because I'm just not made to add muscle easily. For me, reaching far, yet within the realm of possibility would be to have a figure competition physique.

Now, is that a goal that is attainable for me? Yes. I think so. Why, then, is my reality physique more like the bottom sand castle picture? Well, I think it has a lot to do with the steps I've taken to achieve my goal.

It's a BIG scary goal. But it's not scary enough because I've never actually entered a competition. Only thought about it. And if, one day, I get myself into the shape worthy of a figure girl, I'd enter. The problem with that is I don't really have anything big pushing me to get there. The fear of being on stage after not having done the work or the diet and looking like flubber would be scary as hell! Which would make me follow my plan to the strictest T ever. So why don't I just enter?!?! I don't know. The only thing I can come up with is that in the back of my mind, I don't believe I can do it. Maybe deep down, I think that I've just done too much damage to my cells and my skin that I'll never look the way I want to look.

That bothers me. Because if I really truly DID feel that way, why would I constantly strive for something I thought was unattainable? It would be a waste of time and sanity. So that can't be it.

Maybe I just don't want it bad enough. Maybe I'm more comfortable in my body than I think. That could be it. But then why would I let it take over such a huge part of my life. No, want it alright.

I've worked out for years and I'm still not there. I have plenty of ups and downs as far as diet is concerned. That always seemed to be the hardest part in all this. I'd go back and forth because I'm all or nothing. It's either super strict or, well, I screwed up and had one of Emma's french fries, I guess now I might as well eat a whole pound of them. One of my BIGGEST annoyances is that when I fall, I fall hard and find it difficult to get back up again. I eventually do. But it might take longer than I had hoped. Pushing my goals back even farther still. And this is a cycle that repeats itself over and over.

The good news is, we learn from our mistakes. And I go longer and longer between these bouts of "I don't care". So eventually, I will be able to sustain this lifestyle for the long haul. In the last 2 months, I've only had 3 meals that I would consider "bad". And that is a pretty darn good record. I would love to be able to say that I've gone 3 months with NO bad meals. But, I'm a foodie at heart and sometimes, I think to live without my favorites all the time, would be a miserable existence. And for what? A great body? Where does that get me? I'm already married. Not young enough to be a model. It would never provide me with a source of income. The only thing I would get out of a great body is knowing I had a great body. Wow. When I say it like that, it sounds pretty pathetic.

But a goal is a goal. It doesn't have to make you famous or rich. It doesn't have to WOW your friends. It just has to be something you want and strive for everyday. Something to motivate you and drive you to become better. That's a part of being human. It's normal.

I love the look of muscular arms and legs. That's just me. And I'm an artist, so I think of it as using my body as the clay I would sculpt with. It's just a lot harder. But with time, and patience and practice, I will get better and better. And even if (IF) I were never to reach my ultimate goal, at least I had something to strive for and to keep me moving in a healthy direction. And I've already come such a long way from when I first started on this quest many years ago. So I really need to look at the bigger picture and see how much I have already improved myself. I have to learn to love myself a little bit.