Introspection

Who am I?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. I feel like I am so many different things that I really don't know the true "me" anymore. I don't know who I am.

I am a mother.
I am a wife.
I am a health conscious woman.
I am a fitness lover.
I am a friend.
I am a sister.
I am a daughter.
I am an artist.
I am a photographer.
I am a cook.
I am crafty.
I am a comedian.

These are the things that describe me in a nutshell. And I feel like I am bad at almost every one of those things. I'm not sure what it is, but I just don't like who I have become. And I don't think anyone else likes who I am either. Except my mother, but that doesn't count, does it? I'm not really doing anything that is making me 100% happy. So it's time to ask myself - what needs to change?

It's a hard thing, introspection. It's hard to look at yourself and put all of your [true] thoughts and feelings on the table. It's hard to examine them, and all of your flawed ways.

First and foremost, I am a mother. But, I am not the mother I should be. I am selfish. Most times, I am too focused on myself and my own goals, that I feel like what my kids want comes second. It hurts. It hurts so much to realize that. I know that to have goals for yourself means you have to be somewhat selfish because you have to take care of you. But sometimes, my body goals seem to overtake my life. And like dominoes, that affects the lives of everyone I'm around most often.

My husband. I feel like I've put a serious strain on our relationship because of my obsession. I have felt for so long that "at least I'm not an alcoholic" or "at least I'm not (fill in the blank)". But now I am wondering if maybe I'm just as bad as all of those things that I think I'm not. I know he hates when I obsess over what I eat. Despite trying to explain to him the health benefits of not eating junk like everyone else, he still would just rather I ate like everyone else anyway. Most of the time I get irritated that how my eating seems to affect his mood and our relationship. I mean, how silly is that?!?! But the reality is that it DOES affect it. And I need to really think about what that means, for not only my own sanity and happiness, but his too.

I don't think I've been the best sister/daughter/friend either. I'm the health nut. Everyone comes to me seeking advice. What can they do to lose weight, get fit, become healthier. Then, after I passionately spill everything I know, they look at me like I'm a nut job. They can't possibly be expected to do all that I do because it's just too extreme. And when I think back to all the conversations I've had with people about "proper" diet and exercise, I wish I could take it all back. I almost wish I wasn't that person anymore. I used to like that people admired me for my drive and passion to be fit, now it just seems like an uphill battle trying to convince people they need to give up their crappy lifestyles. I also think my friends get sick of me, just like my husband, because they just don't want to hear about how to become a healthier person all the time. They don't want inspirational quotes and workout routines plastered all over their Facebook feed. They don't want to be reminded of everything you are doing that they aren't. I get that now, and I've toned down. A lot! I rarely post about it anymore. I used to think I was helping to boost their motivation. I figured that since a few were interested, they all must be. Not the case. Now I realize, I was just being annoying.

And I'm so obsessed with weight training, that I pretty much think everything else is a waste of time. Sometimes I wonder how many people I've offended by spewing anti cardio venom. I know that cardio has it's place. I also know that you shouldn't rely on it as your only source of exercise and that too much of it is just an awful idea. But there will always be people who seriously believe that you've got to get on a treamill for an hour a day to be fit. And some people actually prefer to do it that way. I honestly just don't know what to say to that. But I figure it's kind of similar to the way some people prefer to fried chicken over skinless chicken breast. It's not as good for you as the skinless chicken breast, in fact, it's pretty bad. But they'll eat it just because they like it better.

Continuing on with my introspection, I have a really artistic personality. Again, I'm not the most artistic person out there, but I'm more of an artist than I am a scholar. I have always been crafty, I have always like art. I also love to cook and bake, which can be an art form. I am constantly at war with who I am more....a healthy girl or a girl who just wants to cook and bake delicious things for her family, no matter how unhealthy they may be. I'm torn. It's a daily battle, it really is. Especially if I watch cooking shows on Food Network. I sit there feeling even more selfish than ever because I'm so focused on health and everyone else seems to be so bothered by it. It makes me feel like a horrible person. Why can't I just let it go and eat whatever I want and be happy? Would it make me happy? I need to find a balance and I just can't seem to get there. I'm always either way too in or way too out. Why can't I find a happy middle ground? Why do I have such an all or nothing attitude? In the end, what is going to make me TRULY happy? Sometimes I wonder if the whole healthy diet and obsessive working out is really for my benefit. Maybe it's a mask. Maybe I need to start seeing a psychologist to find that out.

I'm two years away from 40. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just making myself more and more unhappy because all I do is restrict myself from what I really want. Then again, what I really want is to be an active grandma and great grandma. Not one ridden with health problems. And that means, I have to be pro active about it. The problem is, some days I'm really on top of the world. I feel great, I love myself, I love where I'm at and what I do. I feel like being healthy is definitely making be a happier person. And other days I feel so utterly alone and depressed and I wonder why I try so hard. What will truly make me happy?

Some people try to buy their happiness. I've said it before, we are NOT materialistic people. We have an old house with mostly old furniture. We never take vacations or buy BIG money items. We don't have to have the best of the best, even though it seems so important to some of our friends to keep up with what their neighbors have. I wonder, why aren't they ever just satisfied with what they have? What is lacking in their lives to make them want so much more? I don't want to be those people. The more I think about it, the more it just makes me want to purge. I want to get rid of half of our belongings and move into a tiny house in the country.

I should have just stayed in Denmark. The more I think about the life we had there, the more I miss it so much. We didn't even have a car! But oh the fun we had walking through the forests and having picnics. We could ride our bikes a mere 6 miles and be on a coastal beach. But I missed my family. It was the first time I'd ever moved away from them. It was hard. Still, I wish I could get away from everything I know and am used to and comfortable with and just start over. Maybe that sounds a bit too much like I am trying to run away from my problems. Maybe I am.....