feeling better

I don't know what happened to me, but I finally snapped out of it! It seems like I've been in this awful slump for....well.....a couple of months.

I remember the the weekend that I sort of fell off the wagon, so to speak. It was near the end of April and we went to Omaha for my neice's confirmation. I started the weekend out good. The night we got there and headed out to a bar for a suprise birthday party, I didn't drink, I had a healthy meal, I was smart. At this time, I was deep into a clean eating run because I had a goal. But as the weekend went on and the healthy choices became less and less, I lost it. And for me and my damn all or nothing attitude, it spelled disaster.

Ever since then, I've been eating pretty much whatever the hell I feel like. And while it's nice not to be restricted, I just haven't felt right. I'm bloated all the time. Gassy (more on this later....c'mon, you know you're excited). I feel FAT. Yes, I really do. Even though my clothes fit exactly the same, I just feel bigger. I don't feel healthy. I don't feel great.

I've been beating myself up over it. I've got an angel on one shoulder whispering in my ear about how I should be eating for health and the devil on the other shoulder screaming about how I should live life to the fullest, consequences be damned. And the guilt. Oh the guilt! I feel guilt for how I've worked too hard to just throw it all away for pizza and ice cream. It's just not worth it!!

So I just said ENOUGH! I'm DONE with the guilt. And I'm done with this crappy food obsession. I just can't do it anymore. The only time I'm truly myself is when I'm eating for health and working out consistently. This week was my break from it all. I've not touched a barbell in an entire week. And I miss it. Not a day has gone by that I haven't longed for a good pump. The break has been good for me though, because it has given me an opportunity to realize how much it has become a part of me. And how it truly does make me happy.

I am going to continue to eat clean and healthy but I'm not going to restrict myself so tightly that I say "I can't" when we go to a birthday party or BBQ. I want to enjoy treats, just not 5 a day! Once or twice a week certainly isn't going to hurt. At least, I don't think it will. Some think that if you still have the taste for it, your addiction will never go away. But I've been on the other side too. And I've found that restricting myself to the point where I haven't touched sugar with a 20 foot pole for an entire month or longer, my craving for it doesn't completely go away. But just makes me more obsessed with it. This may not be the case for everyone, but it certainly is for me.

Oh, and as far as being....uh, gassy, I wonder if I might be a wee bit lactose intolerant. I'm going to try and experiment for the next week or so. I'm not going to eat dairy and see what happens. I don't drink milk but I eat cheese and have been eating frozen yogurt and it seems like every time I eat ice cream or frozen yogurt, I get stomach cramps and am in the bathroom. So I'll see if staying away helps. My next experiment will be with wheat. I think that isn't the best on my system either, but it's just speculation. If I can't eat wheat or dairy, I'll be pissed! haha....

p.s. sorry for being such a downer lately, I think I'll be more like me moving forward ;)