Is this worth it?

I'm sitting here, at 9:00 in the morning, trying to choke down steak. Flank steak. One of the leaner cuts of beef. I love it. I love steak. But it's just so weird eating it in the morning.

It's become hard for me to eat bigger breakfasts these days and I'm not sure why. I usually eat oatmeal and about 4 egg whites. Even that is hard to get down. When I'm done I feel SO full. But I have to try to get it down because I know I need to eat.

But I'm not super hungry right away in the morning. My hungriest time of day seems to be between 3-5pm. And I wonder if maybe that has something to do with not eating enough in the early part of the day. I could easily eat my oats and egg whites during this time, as opposed to 7am.

I also have the hardest time staying away from junk food in the later part of the day. After supper is the worst. We are a family who loves to have coffee and a dessert after supper. It's always been that way. So when we don't have a dessert of some kind, it almost feels like the meal isn't finished. It's like having your after meal cigarette, you just feel like you need it. There is such an intense craving.

I've stopped baking for the most part (sad face). I still do once in a while, but usually only for certain occasions or if we are having company. I really love to cook and bake so it's a shame. But if I bake, it's hard not to eat it with everyone else. I want to be disciplined and have the body I crave, but I also want to indulge in treats with the rest of my family. I'm having a hard time deciding which is more important to me at the moment.

The problem isn't indulging once in a while. I have no problem giving in to treats one or two (maybe 3) times a week. My biggest issue is my personality type. I don't seem to like to do anything half-assed. If I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna DO IT. I have an excessive personality. Which means (for instance) if I drink, it's hard to stop at one - although this has gotten way easier for me than it had been, say, 10 years ago. These days, I can certainly stop at one glass of wine, and most times I can't even finish one. But if I eat a chocolate, I want more. And more. And more. It's hard to stop. Or if I have something that I know isn't good for me, like a pop tart, I figure I've already blown my clean eating for the day, so I might as well pig out on everything in sight.

This is exactly what happened last night. Right before bed too, the absolute WORST time to do it. I didn't eat much for supper. Come to think of it, I didn't eat much all day because I was busy. So this made me hungrier than usual at bed time. I figured that I didn't want to go to bed without some protein so I ate some steak and sweet potato fries. Then I thought, I want to try the apple strudel pop tarts I got for the kids. They were delicious! I had two. Then I wanted to try the iron kids white bread I got for the Eden. It is SO soft, just like angel food cake. I toasted it and put butter on it. OH DEAR HEAVEN, what bliss! White bread. Seems so simple and harmless, doesn't it? So I ended up eating God knows how many calories and then went to bed. Nice.

Sometimes I really hate that 'all or nothing' attitude I have. But just like it effects my diet, it effects my workouts. Every time I feel like I went crazy in the kitchen, I'll go crazy in the gym. Because I had cake and chocolates over the weekend, I worked out twice on Monday to undo the "damage" I figured I'd caused. I lifted weights in the morning, then around 2pm I did sprints and then ran on the treadmill - something I don't particularly enjoy. And I was a zombie that evening. I was so incredibly tired. It's not like I've never worked out twice in one day before. Last summer I used to do my main workout in the morning and then if the weather was tolerable, I'd go for a jog while the kids tagged along on their bikes. That was really fun. But I think when I do sprints, it takes a lot more out of me. And I've been doing a lot of them lately.

I am nearing 40 (2 1/2 more years) and I want to stay fit and healthy. But I'm starting to really question my need for this body that I am constantly trying to achieve. Why is it so important.....really? I can't even answer that question. Which makes me think that maybe it isn't important. Even if I did achieve a body worthy of a figure competition, would it matter? I know that it's something I've wanted for as long as I can remember, but I seem to struggle with it more than it's worth. I won't get anything out of it other than to be able to say I DID IT! And that would be nice, but is it THAT big of a deal that I need to torture myself with guilt for the rest of my life if I eat a piece of cake or one too many chocolates?? Or kill myself with grueling twice a day workouts so that I'm too tired to enjoy time with my family? I don't think so. Having a figure body would be the highest feeling in the world. But that's not a body I could maintain. So even if I reached that goal, it wouldn't last. And if I wanted it again, I'd have to work just as hard for it and be just as disciplined. I'm not sure I want that.

On the positive side, it's nice enough knowing that I have abs - when I want them. What I mean by that is, I might not always have abs quite as visible as they are in my picture on the side bar, but I know that if I want them, I just have to cut carbs for a few days. If I eat pizza, they disappear underneath the bloat. But they aren't gone. To me, that is fit enough. I'm not sure I know many people that can bring out their 6 pack in a few days ;) It should be good enough. And I think, for the most part, it is.