pity party

Well, it happened. I had a breakdown yesterday. I do this from time to time. I was talking to my mom on the phone, whining about how I don't think it's very fair that I have worked so hard for so many years to improve one specific part of my body and I have very little to show for it. My upper body is "buff" (as my husband calls it) but the lower body is......well, just plain awful.

I am a realist. I can see the truth. Even when EVERYONE around me assures me it isn't that bad. I see. I know what it is. And it's bad. Literally years of working out, many sacrifices, and nothing improves in this one area. Nothing.

So my mom gives me one of her pep talks. Not just the usual, "you are too hard on yourself, you look fine" sort of talk, but an unusually griping -talk. She told me that I've been beating myself to death with this for years on end and it's causing me more stress than anything else. Just forget about it and see what happens. Maybe it will take care of itself. And as silly as it seemed at first, it's the one thing that I really haven't tried. Just relax, she said. Stop looking at it, stop worrying about it, stop living your life around it. And something just really got to me. I started bawling in the car. The tears were flowing so hard that I could barely see the road. And of course I was trying hard not to make it obvious to her that I was a snotty mess.

When I got home, I pulled into the garage and put my head on the wheel and just BAWLED. Forever, it felt like, I was in the car, parked in the garage, just crying and crying. What am I doing wrong? How is it possible for ANYONE to make such giant improvements on their physique and mine is so resistant? It's the most frustrating thing in the world. And it makes me sad. I feel that I really am deserving of some obvious change after all the time I've put in. Not just working out but for how long it's just plain consumed my life.

What if she's right? What if I slow down and just stop taking all the supplements, stop worrying about working out and a perfect diet, and just lived? Honestly, it sounds lovely but doing nothing isn't going to help. People have to work hard at it, I know, so I've just resigned myself to the idea that it will consume me. If I want it, I have to work for it. But.....I have worked for it. I have. It's not fair.

I don't want to be a walking hypocrit anymore. I want to LOOK like I train. It's awful to be such a fanatic yet, not really look like it. If I wear clothes that cover up the flaws in my lower body and wear a tank top, or something that shows off my upper body, I look great! I do, even I can admit it. Maybe too skinny to some people, but I see muscle and definition, and I LOVE it! I am proud to show it. I don't have large bulging muscles, but that isn't what I want. I have small feminine muscles that say, "I lift weights, and it shows." Now, if only my lower half would follow suit.

I really do feel like a teenager still. I feel great. I have no aging aches and pains. I have tons of energy most of the time. I don't feel as though I'm near 40. My body and mind are way younger. Yet, my lower half is that of a 60 year old woman who's never done an hour of exercise her whole life. And the thing I don't get is this: if you have to creat a calorie deficit to lose fat but you can't go under your RMR or you'll hold onto fat, how can I ever lose it??!! It seems an impossible feat, yet many people achieve their goals. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe there is something to be said about what you're made for, and with these hips, I guess I'm just meant to carry babies. But if that were the case, why do I have such problems with pregnancy and carrying babies to term? It's all very confusing to me. I can't think too deeply about my purpose in life or it'll drive me crazy.

In my opinion, the girls that have spectacular bodies, probably aren't pear shaped. They probably are born with a boyish frame to begin with. Not to say they wouldn't accumulate fat or have to work hard at it, because I know they do. I'm just saying, I think that some people just have an easier time. That's just the way it is. So maybe I should just give up on this dream of mine. I've been working at it for YEARS and it hasn't made me any happier. If anything, it's caused me more stress than it's worth. So why do I keep at it? I must be insane.

Sorry for the pity party. I'm really in pain over this. I'm always telling my kids, "life's not fair" when they argue with each other over being fair when they play. Maybe I should just take my own advice and realize that life doesn't seem fair sometimes. Move on. Find a more positive outlet to consume your life. Summer only happens 3 months out of the year. Buy more board shorts and move on.