Food addict

Not much new to report since finishing a 24 hour fast successfully.

I will mention that after not eating for that long, when you finally do eat, you feel really full on very little food. Or at least I did.

I know there are certain rules that apply to "breaking a fast", but I think that is more if you have gone for days or even weeks (think juice fast) without food. Just as there are rules you should follow when coming off a very low carb diet. You are supposed to add carbs slowly back into your diet. Not like the way I usually do it, where I try to shove all the carbs I've missed during the week into my cake hole simultaneously. But whatever. I have problems. I realize this.

Anyway, I made chicken enchiladas (with low carb tortillas) and so I ate one small enchilada and some fat free refried beans. Oh, and a piece of corn bread. But I was stuffed! I felt full half way through that meal and should have stopped. Story of my life. I think if I had gastric bypass surgery, where you can only eat like a teaspoon of food every meal ( ok maybe not that little, but it's not very much), I would eat myself sick every time. Because it's so hard to stop when you are full if the food is really good. God I'm a pig!

I have been trying to understand my unhealthy eating patterns lately and I just can't seem to wrap myself around what's going on. I say unhealthy because while I do eat right most meals, I have such a terrible time getting off sugar. I should NEVER had let it back in. Just look at what it's done to me! Last night, as I was lying in bed, all I could think about was ice cream. I was trying to talk myself out of it, "It's 10:30, you don't need it, you don't need it, you don't need it......." and next thing I knew I was in the kitchen filling a bowl with the nastiest stuff known to man (my husband always buys the ice cream where high fructose corn syrup is like the second ingredient) and don't think I skimped on the chocolate sauce and peanuts! I finished the bowl and contently fell asleep.

What....the....hell? I'm going to have to instill the "no sweets in the house" rule again and torture my family all because I have no willpower whatsoever. I just don't get it. I have such strong feelings against eating that crap, yet I can't stop myself lately. Hypocrite! Ever since the 4th of July weekend I have struggled with this. Sugar is EVIL. I mean it. It's the devil.

I've tried giving it up completely. And while that seems to be the best option because cravings really do decrease, it's a torturous road to get to that point. I've also tried to be more laid back but then it's a constant battle with guilt. I always thought that it would be easier if I just didn't care and ate what I wanted but I don't think I will ever truly feel that care free. Plus, I want to be around for my great grandchildren and eating sugar daily is not going to help me with that goal. And I've tried the "moderation" rule, but for me moderation is just as hard as abstaining. It's hard to have a little when it tastes good. So I don't know which way to go.

Door number one: total sugar abstinence
Door number two: eat whatever I want and when
Door number three: treats in moderation

Door number three seems the best choice, I know. I guess I really do have a food addiction. Is it my own fault? Was it brought on by my obsession with health and fitness? I don't think so. I have always been known to eat a lot of food. I've just been blessed with a pretty kick ass metabolism (or so I'm guessing) which is why I'm not currently 300 pounds. Because ever since I can remember, I could eat....a lot. Granted after having children and being closer to 40 than 30, I'm not able to eat like a kid anymore. That's just true for 99% of the population. So I should just accept the fact that I NEED to moderate. Just as I need to accept the fact that I will get wrinkles and grey hair and body parts will sag. It's called aging. Nothing you can do about it.

That's not an excuse to let yourself go, though. I can still take measures to keep my body as tight as possible, add muscle to keep my bones strong, exercise my heart, and eat to reduce my chances of getting preventable diseases. And that is what I strive for. I'm like a superhero and sugar is my Nemesis. I guess if I can just rein in my late night binges and try to eat like a bird during the day, that should be enough to keep me from ballooning. People who have never met me and saw me on the street would probably never guess that I had a food addiction. The internal struggle and torment I am faced with daily. But it comes and goes. It's very cyclical. At least there is some reprieve.

And I guess things aren't all that bad when I can eat like a pig and still fit into my clothes. That is definitely a plus. However, I'm certain if I continued on that road, after a while it would catch up with me. And it definitely isn't helping my reach my body goals, which some people might consider shallow, stupid and pointless.

And speaking of my body goals, I am pushing my boundaries because I can. It's a struggle, but if I didn't want to do it, I would quit. It can take literally years to achieve body goals, especially when those goals involve taking you to an elite minority. Realistically, how many men and women do you see walking around daily that have a body builder's physique? I don't mean just average lean or skinny, I mean ripped arms, abs and legs. Not many. I might see one a month. Maybe not even that often. THAT is how special it is. THAT is how hard it is. They struggle, they fight, they work hard and most importantly, they don't give up! It's a long process. It's phases of building and leaning. And it's all cumulative so you can only get better with more work. So I'm going to continue to work at it and struggle with it. I've gotten this far. It's too late to go back!

Ok, I think I just slapped that lingering doubt and frustration out of myself. See, it's good therapy to vent and blog! Whether or not anyone even reads it.