Last night I made Kale soup. It smelled so good but when I ate it, I just had such an intense craving for bread or some other carb, I couldn't enjoy it. Even my little Eden said "That soup was really good, you should make it more often." - which was really surprising because she, like her pappa, thinks sugar is a food group.
I didn't have any energy, and I had such intense cravings. Then I realized it wasn't any mystery, considering where I am in my cycle. It's very normal for me, and probably you too (if you are a girl).
I went outside to plant. I got one done and decided to quit. I just wasn't into it and like I said, I had zero energy. Luckily my husband didn't want to keep going either, so we went inside. We still have strawberry and grape plants to get in the ground though.
I'm currently dealing with my typical round of "why am I doing this" that creeps up now and then (also a cycle thing). It's good to be aware of the reason this happens (hormones) so that I don't get too discouraged. It is still a bit annoying that I can't keep that motivation high, but I know it'll come around again soon. So I am trying very hard to be more relaxed about it. I fear that one day I'm going to wake up and realize that I've spent so much time worrying and stressing and depriving myself that I'll have wasted all this time trying to be happy, when all along I should have opened my eyes to see that I was happy. That it wasn't as bad as I thought. Sure, certain things could be better, but everyone could say that, right? We are always striving for better. I think that is human nature.
In a few books that I've read, they stress the importance of writing down your goals and looking at them daily. But not only that, you really need to search your soul and figure out why you want to achieve your particular goal. And if your goal is simply to look good no matter what you wear, that isn't good enough. But why? That's really all I want. It's as simple as that. I honestly don't think I have any deeper wish. I just want to be happy with myself. I don't know how I can make that goal any more specific.
But why is it so important to me? Why can't I just be happy with the way I am now? I don't really know. I can tell you why I think it's important to me. And I think it's because I don't feel like I really shine at anything in particular. You know, everyone has their thing. Some people are really smart, others are really funny, some have a specific talent that they are extraordinary at.....I feel like I have none of those things. I am not super beautiful, or super outgoing with an awesome personality. But somehow, in my demented mind, I've convinced myself that if I can build a kick ass body, one that not many people have, then I would have "a thing" that defined who I was. Is it so wrong to want to be extraordinary at something??
It sounds like such a shallow and unimportant thing. And I'm not incredibly judgemental of other people. I could care less if you are 300 pounds and have no interest in fitness whatsoever. As long as we share some sort of common interest and can laugh together, I will think you are golden. I don't discriminate. It's true that I notice other people's bodies, but mostly I notice two things. 1: when someone has a FANTASTIC body (like the woman I mentioned yesterday) and 2: when someone is wearing something that maybe isn't the best choice for their body type. Example, if you are wearing tight jeans and have a muffin top spilling out all over, a tight fitting shirt to go with those jeans probably isn't a good idea. But I don't think I'm alone in noticing those things. You notice also, I know you do.
I use those same rules when dressing myself. Which is why I don't walk all over town in short shorts. I don't have the flawless legs to pull it off. Also, I'm in my 30s and have 3 kids - it's probably time to retire the Daisy Dukes regardless. I like to follow the same rule that they have in my daughter's middle school - if you put your hands down against your legs and your shorts are above your finger tips, they are too short.
My mission is to try to eat as clean as possible (stress the word try) because in the past, I've only made progress when I'm in a clean eating phase. Also, I'm trying (stress trying!!) to go as long as I can without any carbs except veggies, to see if I can train my body to burn fat. I think I'm a carb burning machine which is why it's so hard to get at the fat! But I love carbs, so it's extremely hard :( I feel like exercise has been slacking just because my workouts are so short. I should probably do some intervals in addition - but I've gotten lazy. Summer just feels like a time to have a more relaxed attitude and enjoy life. Because we have such long harsh winters here, it just seems natural to slack off for these 3 beautiful months of the year.
It's not a race to the finish, but a way of life.
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