up and down

I'm so up and down lately. Today was mostly an up day. I was really tired. I was exhausted yesterday so I went to bed early, thinking I'd be able to fall asleep fast. 2 hours later I was still awake, thinking about how miserable my day would be today. But, my work day is done and it was my last day working double shifts YAY! I am done at 9:30 every day all summer long. Barring anyone asking me to work their shift.

It was also an up day because I finally feel like I might have some energy to workout. I'm planning on going to Dance Fit tonight. I haven't at all this week - too much stress at home. But today, I'm thinking like I can handle it.

I can feel my motivation sort of creeping back up. I made a decision yesterday to start being more aware of what I'm eating and it's ok so far. I went to the store so I would be prepared for the week. That is always a key element in success, for me.

Breakfast is: 100 calorie Greek yogurt, 1/2 avocado, coffee, green tea
snack: none, but if I'm starving, strawberries & cucumbers, green tea
Lunch: 100 calorie Greek yogurt, 1/2 avocado again (or, whey smoothie with kale, Greek yogurt,1/2 banana, 1/2 avocado)green tea
snack: granny smith apple
dinner: broiled chicken breast, salad, asparagus, green tea

If I'm hungry around 8:00, I would probably have either two hard boiled egg whites.
If I'm REALLY craving something sweet after dinner, I would probably give in to the urge to have 1 or two squares of dark chocolate. I get the intense dark kind, which is 80%

Going to TRY this for at least a week, maybe two, just to get myself into the habit of eating healthier again. And eating less. I want to shrink my stomach so I don't need to eat so much to feel full. I usually track my food on Livestrong MyPlate. It's so much easier to keep myself in check having this tool at my disposal.

Just today, I logged in and set my goal to 2lb fat loss per week. That's a big scary goal! I don't even know if it's possible. But I'm going to TRY. It has my calorie goal at 800 per day - which is practically insane. But when you factor in calories burned through exercise, you can actually get away with eating more. I will burn around 450 calories a session, so I can actually eat 1250 calories a day and still meet my goal for 2lbs a week. It's lofty, but like I said, I've got to try it. I'm just not happy in my new flabby body.

So, as of right now, I've only got 118 calories left before I hit my max and I've got dinner to eat yet. BUT, since I will be working out, I actually have roughly 560 calories to eat for dinner. Chicken breast will be 130, asparagus will be 50, salad with olives, feta, and olive oil - no clue what that calorie content will be. But I've got wiggle room. Maybe even for a chocolate square????

Hopefully I can last on those food for a while. I know it's pretty basic and there is a lot of repetition with very little variance, but that is what I need. Too many options in my refrigerator always sets me up for failure. Plus, it's a great way for me to get fruit and vegetable servings in. I debated about the banana in my smoothies. I might change it up and add berries one day and half a frozen banana the next day, etc. That way, I'm really only eating a whole banana once every 4 days. My rule about fruit is usually stick to the low sugar content stuff: berries and granny smith apples. Although, the benefits of bananas are too good to pass up. So I buy them, peel them, cut them in half, wrap them in plastic wrap, and freeze them. That way I always have a fresh frozen half a banana for a smoothie. Brilliant if I do say so myself ;)

I am just in total shock at the state of my body anymore. It's like I've been walking around in someone else's body for the past.........8 months. I don't recognize myself.

I quit my hardcore strength workouts - which is one contributor. Seriously, people, lifting weights fires your metabolism like no other. It's no mystery that when I gave it up, I gained weight. I also have been under tremendous stress. It's hard to give a crap about your body when something bigger than yourself is in crisis.

I'm still under a LOT of stress right now and if I want to change my body, I'll have to work harder than ever despite it. The funny thing is, I would LOVE to have the body I had a year ago. You know, the one I criticized endlessly? Ha! Ok, lesson learned!

Well, everyone who always ragged on me and brought me down constantly for being too thin ought to be happy. I guess they got what they wanted. And here I thought I'd be happier too. But I'm not. All that time I had to endure rude comments about how I looked skeletal or how I looked old because my face was so gaunt. And I thought, I really did, I thought that if I gained weight and got those comments to stop I would feel better about myself. Well, I don't. I feel worse. Much worse. And it doesn't help when you don't feel loved or wanted by the only person who really matters.

I always had insecurities when it came to my body. But just as I was starting to feel good about myself, I let all the negativity from outside sources in.

Unsupportive assholes: 1
Charlotte: 0

But there is really no use in pointing a finger. After all, the ultimate choice was mine.

Now that I'm going through such a difficult time in my life, it's hard to want to make "smart" choices. I just want to eat stuff that makes me feel good. I'd much rather drink a glass or two of wine and eat chocolate, than be bothered by protein shakes.

I can get those feel good endorphins from exercise too. I love my Dance Fit class. The only problem is, I'm not supplementing with enough weight training so I'm not getting any extended calorie burn. And that's a problem when you combine it with eating more than your share of food that is less than good for a fit body.

I know that there are a lot of people who take stress and sadness like I'm facing and turn it into something amazing. They focus all their energy into something positive and morph into incredibly fit and sculpted people. I find it hard. I just get so heavy feeling that it's really hard to walk from one room to the other some days. If anyone has ever struggled with depression, you might know that "heavy" feeling. It's not really something you can shake off.

But I know that exercise helps. Every time I leave a fitness class or finish any kind of activity that resembles exercise (lately, it's been walking), I always feel better. Not just a little bit either, like IMMENSELY better.

But it's still hard to motivate. I'd be perfectly content curling up on the couch and staying there for hours, not doing a thing. This is a person I don't know. But this is who I've become.

For now, I can't tell you what my fitness plans are. I really don't have any. It's so on the back burner right now. It feels wrong to care at all, actually. I'm really just surprised by the fact that I can do what I've been doing. It can be difficult to fit in 6 hours of exercise a week when you feel good, let alone when you are stressed out and sad all the time. The fact that I've been zapped of all energy and motivation yet still drag myself to workout is the one good thing I have. It's probably the only thing that is getting me through this.

Honor

How have you been my fitness friends? I hope you are enjoying your long holiday weekend. And I hope you are taking the time to remember WHY we are lucky enough to have this extra day to unwind.

Make sure you take a break from thinking about yourself and honor those who deserve your thoughts today...and every day.

Golly!

It seems like it's been forever since I've blogged! Did you miss me?

What's been going on? Well, things are slowing down. Instead of working more like I had been mentally preparing myself for in the last few weeks, I'm working less. Well, in June I will be working less. I was originally going to be working more starting in mid May, but decided I didn't really want to be spending half the day standing around. So I told my boss and he hired someone to pick up the extra hours. At first I felt guilty, because I easily could have done it. And it's pretty easy money. But I got over it. When the sun is shining and the day is beautiful (like today) the last thing I care about is making a few extra bucks. All I want is to be out enjoying it.

So that's the 411 on the work front.

I've set a goal for myself. A big scary one (not really). But the goal is to lose a pound a week. I set an end date for July 29th. If When I accomplish this goal, I should be 12 pounds lighter. That seems like a lot of weight for me to lose, but I've aimed a bit higher than necessary so I have some "wiggle" room. My first week (last week) went extremely well, as I was right on target, losing exactly ONE pound. Well 1.2 to be precise.

My weight gain over the past 6 months has been no mystery to me. I've added some muscle but also fat. And something I'm not very familiar with at all - belly fat! For the first time in, well, ever, I've got extra belly fat. Sure I've had a bit in the past, but over the course of my fitness loving years, my abs have always been the star. I have always loved my midsection. But due to the stress I've gone through, it's no wonder my belly is bigger. Stress tends to show itself on our bellies. So, I'm working to rid myself of it, not just for vanity, but for health. Belly fat is the most dangerous, and it has NO PLACE on my body!

I am able to attend Dance Fit 6 days a week now! They've added a Thursday evening at Courts since certifying new instructors recently. I'm thinking that if my passion for this class persists, I might have to get certified and teach myself *wink*. How fun would that be?!?! Also, Ripped 3 times a week gets me my fix of strength training. So if working out 9 hours a week doesn't get my pudge off, I guess I'll have to welcome my new belly flab as part of the aging process. Haha...NOT!

That's about all my news for now. My nutrition hasn't been clean for what seems like eons now, but I'm pretty much over beating myself up for not being "perfect" with it. Life happens and I'll just never be able to hold a perfectly clean eating style. It doesn't fit the other sides to my life. As long as I can keep myself from over indulging too often, I'm satisfied. Salad has been slowing working it's mojo on me and I like it more and more each week. I do have my little stash of dark chocolate that saves me from going crazy when I need a little treat. I find that it helps a LOT to just give in to the urge to have a chocolate (usually right after dinner is when it hits me the worst) instead of completely deprive myself. I keep a bag of individually wrapped chocolates on hand so if I need a sweet treat, it doesn't completely undo an entire day of good eating to have one or two.

I'm going to stay away from ice cream because it's got TONS of calories in just a tiny cup and is way too addicting. Even though it's summer and we tend to eat more in the warmer months, that is going to be my "no-no". With the exception of Tutti Frutti today. Thanks to my friend who informed me that today only, we can get a small size cup and fill it with as much as we want, load it with toppings, and it's only $4. BOOM! We are SO there!