Thursday, March 28, 2013

Another quickie

Just a quick note before I head back into work.

Not much to report on nutrition. I've been juicing a little again and eating handfuls of raw spinach when I feel like a snack. It's amazing how well it fills me up. My goal isn't fat loss (amazingly), it's actually better skin. I know that while I was on my no grain, no sugar diet, my skin was FANTASTIC and I'm sure it had a lot to do with all the veggies I was eating. Due to a lot of stress, lack of sleep, a new eating pattern (because of my new job), I think all these things are contributing to my skin looking a little lack luster these days.

I'm also starting to combat wrinkles around my eyes (I knew this day would come...sigh) and I've always had dark under eye circles but it seems as though they get worse as I age. An under eye roller/concealer has been my new best friend. At least I have had a few people tell me that my face looks fuller lately. That is a HUGE plus!! Way better than people constantly telling you that you are too thin.

Anyone have any favorite skin brightening tips? (other than hydration)

Friday, March 22, 2013

A quick note

Just a quick note, since it's been awhile.

Work is good. Life is hectic and busy. But I'm enjoying myself. Home life has relaxed a little and things are improving slowly. I am finally able to sleep and feel almost back to my normal self. I've started working out again. It's amazing how much more alive and like "me" I feel when I get my daily dose of exercise.

Yesterday, I tried a brand new glute workout that I found on YouTube from JNL fusion. It was killer! I burned 300 calories in 30 minutes! Major sweat and panting.

Today, I decided to try my first ever EVER group fitness class. There was a bodypump class at 10:00 and I am done with work at 9:30 so I figured it was the perfect opportunity to try it. Always wanted to. It was GREAT! I really did enjoy it. LOVED the instructor. Debbie at Courts Plus - what a fantastic woman! Anyway, it was an hour long class and I had my monitor on so I could see what it took out of me. Anyone have a guess? 300 calories. Yup, I burned the same amount in one hour of Bodypump as I did in 30 minutes of that glute workout. It's so fun to see differences like that.

They both have their pros and cons (actually, I can't think of any cons at the moment). It's nice to get that variety. Some days, it's nice to workout shorter and harder. Some days, you want the motivation and energy you get from being in a group. Plus, you are working your body in different ways. It's all good! I'm so glad I tried it out!

Bodypump works the whole body. You use lighter weight, fairly high feel the burn! Amazingly, the hardest part for me was the shoulders! Well, lunges got pretty tough at the end too. But I had to stop several times on the shoulder segment because I was burning so bad doing lat raises and pec dec I could hardly lift the dinky 5lb dumbbells! No lie! I had to laugh at myself. But, I'm not used to high reps. What a refreshing change!

That's all folks. I've got some video tutorials I need to record and send off to some clients while the house is still silent! Have a GREAT weekend, my friends!

Monday, March 11, 2013


Well, my dear readers, I have been in a dark place for quite a while now. The last two weeks have been hell. Really. I tried to keep up my workout routine and religious healthy eating, but I've just sort of given up. It's just too hard to be so focused on something, that in the giant scheme of things, really doesn't matter all that much. I've been tired and depressed and it's hard to sleep. Being constantly tired and sad doesn't do much for motivation. I literally feel like I'm walking around with an extra 50lbs on my shoulders. I feel heavy, weighed down. Sometimes, my heart aches. A real honest to God ache. It's painful. Sometimes, it feels like someone has poured cement into my lungs because my chest is so tight and I can't breathe. One night, I had a dream that my husband told me he was leaving me and my heart literally turned to stone and broke. It was the worst dream I've ever had.

I know that my health and fitness obsession has put a strain on my marriage. It's not the only strain, but it's a major contributor. My husband feels that since I wasn't such a freak about what I ate and how much I worked out when he first met me, he had no way to predict what would lie ahead and how unhappy he would be about it.

I know that to work on a body goal, you have to sacrifice some of life's little pleasures. But I didn't realize it was going to affect my family the way it has. How could the way I eat be so horrible? I still cook them delicious nutritious food. I might skip out on the potatoes and rolls most of the time, but I still make them for the rest of my family. I just didn't see that it was THAT big of a problem. But I got too skinny (apparently) and I looked old (apparently) and having to make sure I had certain food at all times or couldn't go certain places because they didn't have the "right" kinds of foods was taking a toll on my husband. The sad thing is, I never felt like I changed what I ultimately set out to change. I lost fat, got more muscular, got way too thin, but never fixed the issue that I was trying to tackle all those years. So it's like it was all for nothing. Worse than nothing.

So I've just sort of given up everything. It's sad, because I really want to be healthy in my old age. I know that once my life starts to climb back uphill, I will take it up again, just maybe not to the "extreme" everyone thought I was taking it. It's funny how much other's opinions of you really change your behaviors. I always thought it was just "hating", you know? Haters gonna hate. Gotta keep doing what you love, though. Well, this time, I have to step back if I want to keep my family. I feel like I'm so close to losing my husband that I will do anything it takes to get back our happiness. I never meant for this to be a painful experience for him. I honestly thought he'd be proud of me. I thought, he should be happy I haven't just let myself go, which seems so common for women after they've had kids.

I used to think, wow, I'm close to 40 and I look damn good! I'm not carrying around a ton of excess fat, I'm in shape, I eat healthy....that's a good thing! But, I guess it isn't a good thing when it affects your marriage. I'm sad. I'm so sad. Because I'm giving up a huge part of my life. And I'm scared that I'm going to end up unhealthy and overweight and miserable! What would my husband think of me then??? It's just so difficult right now.

I haven't been this low in many years. 10 years ago, I had a premature baby, lost a job, my dad died, went through a bankruptcy & divorce, all in a matter of 6 months. It was a horrible time. This feels worse. I've cried so much. The most difficult thing about it is having to drag myself out of bed at 5:00 every morning and pretend everything is ok. All I can think about is my situation. I looked tired, haggard, old. I bring my gym bag to work every day with the intention of working out after my shift, but I just don't feel like it. I did ok last week, up until Friday. I haven't done a thing since Thursday. Today was the same. Ugh....

I'm hoping and praying for a light to shine and I can see an end to this mess soon. I need to get back to being me. The one walking around right now is just a ghost.