Thursday, March 18, 2010

What a rant!

I woke up to a very swollen hand this morning. I thought it might just be because I had it wrapped up all night but it's been unwrapped now for 3 hours and it's still puffy. Dang! I'm thinking it's probably a low grade sprain and I'll be better in a day or two. However, my training will probably suffer for a few weeks until I'm back to normal. I'll just keep wrapping it real good. I guess if it doesn't get any better by tomorrow or gets worse, I'll go to the doctor.

Oh, and I guess I've been forgetting to mention that the IF is going pretty well. I did it all week last week (excluding the weekend) and went back to it on Monday.

I've also gained 3 pounds. That's a plus, I'm adding muscle. Well, at least I hope it's muscle gain. I haven't been very good at keeping my measurements with the caliper. Had I been, I could be certain what the weight gain was, either way. I'll have to start keeping track weekly again.

I know that trying to add muscle while trying to lose fat at the same time is a slow and hard process (heck, adding muscle or losing fat on their own are tough!) and I'm starting to get frustrated. I'm not a patient person. I know that this stuff takes time, but I'm not changing my body composition as quickly as I had hoped.

See, I was under the impression that once I started consistently lifting heavier weights that I would easily build up the muscle mass. And once I've got some bigger leg muscles pushing against my skin, the appearance of fatty lumpiness would sort of disappear. Well, that is not the case. In fact, it seems that I'm not really losing fat at all. I didn't realize how hard this whole process would be.

I thought it would be easy. Well, not easy, because weight training is hard work (and I'm not talking about lifting little 5 pound dumbbells here). But, I at least thought that I would see some benefits from all my hard work. That's what everyone preaches on their websites. "Do this for this long and you'll see results!" Well, we aren't all made from the same cookie cutter and I guess I'm not one of the lucky ones who comes to those desirable results easily.

So it seems as though I'm no closer to my goal than I was a year ago, when the heaviest weight I had to work with was a set of 15 lb dumbbells. Now I have this weight bench (had it since October 2009 maybe?) and I've been religiously training with it. Started out just kind of doing whatever but then moved into a strict 1 heavy set 3 times a week plan for a month or two. Then I switched it up to 3 sets (not quite so heavy), training the lower half and upper half of my body on different days. And still, nothing.

Sure, I've got this weight gain now which leads me to believe that I have in fact added muscle mass, which is what I wanted, but I still don't see the difference that I was hoping for.

I'm always over analyzing everything, which is annoying. Weight training, building muscle, losing fat, eating properly....these things consume me on a daily basis. I irritate my husband because it's all I talk about, I rearrange my life to fit this obsession and it still feels some days like I'm a hamster in a wheel. What is the missing element for me? How long do I have to try this method and that before I FINALLY find one that works for my body?? Why is it SOOOOOOOOO hard to figure out???!!!

Fat loss should be as easy as calories in versus calories out! I should absolutely KNOW that if I decrease my calorie intake, over time I WILL lose weight. And I might, but will it all be fat? Probably not. And I should absolutely KNOW that if I lift weights consistently and add calories, over time I will gain muscle. I've done both, and am I any closer to my goal? No, it wouldn't appear to be so.

I've tried carb and calories cycling (supposedly the secret to how fitness models cut fat miraculously fast), I've tried timing meals every 3 hours to rev up my metabolism, I've tried low carb altogether, I've tried cardio, cardio more cardio, I've tried cutting out ALL bad foods including but not limited to: sweets, fried food and anything with trans fat. Believe me when I say NOTHING is the golden ticket for me. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Doing any ONE of those things should work for me. I just don't understand why it doesn't. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? Do I cheat too much? I don't think so. I eat good for me food probably 80 or 90% of the time. Do I not exercise enough? I can't see how, I lift weights 4 days a week.

Sometimes I wonder how my body would respond if I just didn't give a shit. If I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, with blatant disregard for calorie content or ingredients. How plump and soft and jiggly would I be right now? I mean, obviously I wouldn't be fit or look fit, but if all that I do only amounts to maintaining what I already have, what the HECK do I have to do to change?? And, my sisters and brothers (all in their 40's - even one that's 50) aren't fat, and they don't workout or watch what they eat like I do. So, it's not like I'm destined to be obese if I weren't careful. I think my metabolism has to be running fairly high.

So WHAT GIVES!!!!??????!!!!!

Despite the frustration and feeling that I just can't win, I will continue to plug away. I'll never give it up. I have been a fitness enthusiast ever since my third child was born and I was heavier than ever. That was almost 4 years ago. Do I look better? Hell yeah, I do. Have I reached my ultimate goal...no. I'll never stop trying because I feel it is absolutely in the stars for me to reach my goal. I know it will happen, some day. I just wish I knew how to get there faster. I wish I knew which approach was going to be the one to work for ME, right NOW.

Giving up this dream is not going to make me happy either. I just have to keep trying and trying. It happens for a lot of people, achieving a fit and muscular body, who's to say it can't happen for me? I mean, if they did it, why can't I? What makes them any different or any more special? They had determination, so do I.

Well, I'll keep you posted on my struggles. This must just be one of those days where I'm having a pity party for myself and I feel that I should have a greater reward for all of my efforts. But I could be WAY worse off than I am. There are people who are struggling to lose fat to save their life, and I'm sitting here, probably leaner than 90% of 35 year old women with 3 kids, whining about losing a little layer of fat for mere vanity.

It's all part of the ride, baby!

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