I'm still trying the "one day at a time" attitude. It's hard for me because I'm always thinking ahead. I wonder what things will be like 3 months from now or a year from now. And when I do that, I sort of lose sight of what is really important - the here and now. Because it's the things I do now that will ultimately decide what 3 months from now will be like.
So when I'm on the treadmill, staring at the wall for instance, I tend to think of things like "oh my gosh, I can't handle this. I can't believe I'm going to have to do this every day or every other day for the next 3 months. I can't handle it...." But instead, if I switch my mind to "I am doing this for my own good. I can do this for 30 minutes. I can do this for 45 minutes. It's only 3 months." If I can just think positively about what I have done today, instead of worrying about what I have to do tomorrow or the next day, I can manage. But it is hard for me.
The same works with my habits in the kitchen. Already last night I was really feeling the urge for carbs. So I gave in, why not? I didn't derail my efforts, I just allowed myself to eat them so I didn't feel deprived. Because it's the feeling of constant deprivation that will eventually get the better of me. Instead of making salmon and broccoli (which was what was on the menu) I made eggs, turkey bacon and toast. It was delicious and I got to eat sprouted grain bread, which was what I wanted. When I give my body what it wants (within reason) I feel satisfied the rest of the night and tend not to graze. Now, had I gone ahead with the salmon, I probably would have felt that terrible craving all evening until it turned into disaster.
Around 8pm, despite my daughter really not wanting me to go, I went out for a jog again. I played sidewalk chalk with her for about 15 minutes and then I left. I felt a little guilty but I promised her that I would snuggle with her when I got back. I am so glad I didn't let that guilt get the better of me. My hubs was outside painting the garage frame (shocking!) so it's not like she was alone out there. It was humid out there again, I sweat buckets, but it still felt good. I had planned on doing intervals but the thought of being in the basement, even if only for a short time, didn't thrill me as much as being outside. Today I have circuits planned for the morning and I will either run again tonight or do hill climbs. I can't have a routine too set in stone without room for options, because what I felt like doing last night, I might not want to do tonight.
I find my thoughts drifting to negative places far too often than I'd like. I'm supposed to think of something positive about myself every time I let a negative thought creep in, but it's almost as if I'm too lazy to do it. Is it that hard to think of a positive thing about myself? It is when I think of my past failed attempts at body transformation. I think of my goal for June 1st....FAIL. Then I think of my goal for August 2nd....FAIL. And lets not forget all the summers before that which I had vowed to be in shape for. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. Every time I catch a glimpse of what I want to change about myself, every time I notice that despite trying really really hard to change, the flaws are still there. It gets me wondering if I will ever be able to change them. Am I strong enough? I used to think so. Then I question the possibility. Is it even possible? It has to be. Other people have done it. Why can't I? I'm made of the same stuff they are.
I know that time and time again, my failures are always rooted in the kitchen. I am torn between a love of food that includes high calorie wonders like full fat cheese (have I ever told you about my love affair with brie??) and breads and pastas, and my love for being lean and healthy. It's such a struggle. Exercise? I've got that part down. It's a part of my life and has been for many years now. But people tend to say "abs are made in the kitchen, not the gym". And I have to agree. If it were all about exercise, I'd have a flawless body by now. Trust me! And so, it comes down to what you put into your mouth. And not only that, but how long you do it.
I need to think of food as merely energy to get me through the day. Not something that gives me pleasure. Somehow, I need to switch this thinking. I guess I grew up in a family where all the good times seemed to be centered around food. Whenever I have good childhood memories, there was always ALWAYS lots of great tasting food involved. Big holiday dinners, big Sunday dinners, endless summer barbecues, pot luck get togethers, restaurant get togethers, you name it. It's almost as if we got together to eat, not to be with each other.
It may sound like I'm a bit down or losing motivation, but I'm not. I'm just trying to be my own psychologist I guess. Trying to find the cause of my strange love/hate relationship with food because if I can crack that code, I've got the key to my own success.
No comments:
Post a Comment